Anything Goes Staring Sutton Foster (2024)

PRODUCTION CREDITS

ForGreat Performances: Anything Goes:Directed and choreographed by Kathleen Marshall. Directed for the screen by Ross MacGibbon. Marc Allenby, Alice De Rosa, Austin Shaw, Sir Howard Panter, Dame Rosemary Squire, and David Lazar are producers; Joshua Andrews and Stuart Galbraith are executive producers. Additional funding forGreat Performances: Anything Goeswas made possible by The Merle and Shirley Harris Fund and The Lewis “Sonny” Turner Fund for Dance.

ForGreat Performances, Bill O’Donnell is series producer and David Horn is executive producer.

SERIES FUNDING

Series funding forGreat Performanceswas provided by The Joseph & Robert Cornell Memorial Foundation, the Anna-Maria and Stephen Kellen Arts Fund, the LuEsther T. Mertz Charitable Trust, Sue and Edgar Wachenheim III, Jody and John Arnhold, the Abra Prentice Foundation LLC, The Starr Foundation, The Philip and Janice Levin Foundation, the Kate W. Cassidy Foundation, the Thea Petschek Iervolino Foundation, the Seton J. Melvin, the Estate of Worthington Mayo-Smith, the Jack Lawrence Charitable Trust and Ellen and James S. Marcus.

TRANSCRIPT

♪♪ [ Ship horn blows ] -Next on "Great Performances"... All aboard the SS American for Cole Porter's timeless classic "Anything Goes."

Sutton Foster reprises her Tony Award-winning performance as Reno Sweeney.

-♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ -We'll shoot 'em!

[ All screaming ] -With acclaimed Tony and Olivier Award winner Robert Lindsay as the gangster Moonface Martin.

-♪ It's friendship, friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ -It's a transatlantic romp where all etiquette and convention is thrown overboard.

Swimming in oceans of frothy fun.

Setting the course for true love.

-Why are the cute ones always so dumb?

-With an all-star cast and showstopping dance routines, goodness knows... -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Goes ♪ -"Anything Goes" is next.

♪♪ ♪♪ Major funding for "Great Performances" is provided by... ...and by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you.

Thank you.

[ Overture plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Ship horn blows ] ♪♪ -You sure Crocker hasn't called?

He was supposed to meet me here a half hour ago.

-Another drink while you're waiting, Mr. Whitney?

-Yeah, please.

Seven's my limit.

-Mm.

[ Laughter ] Hear you're off to England, Mr. Whitney.

-Big stuff, Fred.

The biggest.

-Business, huh?

-Henley Regatta.

Boot the Yale boat home.

Bulldog, Bulldog!

Bow wow wow!

♪ Eli Yale ♪ -Play ball!

-Crocker!

Where the hell have you been?

You're a half hour late!

-Relax, Boss, I have been taking care of business.

I've got your steamer ticket, English money, train ticket up to Henley.

And I picked Little Eli up at Brooks Brothers.

New letter sweater looks terrific!

-[ Laughs ] What about my passport?

-Nuts!

Oh, I'm sorry, Boss.

I will pick it up first thing in the morning and bring it to you down on the boat.

-Damn it, Crocker!

I want you down on Wall Street first thing in the morning to sell all my shares -- [ Clears throat ] [Quieter] To sell all my shares of Amalgamated Prestoleum.

-But, Boss, the firm's entire assets are tied up in Amalgamated.

-I got a hot tip from Charlie Blodgett.

Amalgamated's going to sink like the Titanic.

-You always told me Charlie Blodgett was a liar and a drunk.

-He is.

But he's a Yale man.

[ Chuckles ] -One for the road, sir?

-Yeah.

[ Clears throat ] Make it a double.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

[ Laughter ] -Anybody call for me, Fred?

-Uh, yeah.

Harriet, Nancy, Lorraine -- uh, two Lorraines... -Oh, how about a Hope?

Hope Harcourt?

-No, but there was a lady came in asking for you.

-He's wrong, Billy.

It was only me.

-Reno!

-Reno.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my God!

We had a date.

-That's okay.

I'd say forget it, but you already did.

-Ugh, Reno, I am so sorry.

My boss is going to London first thing in the morning.

I had a thousand things to do for him.

-I'm going to London in the morning and all you had to do for me was buy me a drink.

-What'll it be, ma'am?

-A martini, only make it with rye and put a cherry in it instead of an olive.

-Yeah, two Manhattans, Fred.

-You know, I'm getting worried about you, Billy.

I don't think this Wall Street job is good for you.

-Hey, I'm making $35 a week!

-Yeah, but look at you!

Look at your coat.

-What's the matter with my coat?

-It's got a fried egg on the pocket.

-That's an old school crest.

-From where?

P.S.

88?

You're in trouble, kid.

If you keep acting like a stuffed-shirt stockbroker, you're going to turn into one.

-Ah, why do I put up with this, Fred, huh?

-You're nuts about me.

-[ Chuckles ] -In fact, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you come to London with me?

-Reno, be serious.

-I am serious.

England won't be the same without you.

-Ah, guys like me are a dime a dozen.

You won't miss me over there.

-Why are the cute ones always so dumb?

[ Laughter ] ♪ My story is much too sad to be told ♪ ♪ But practically everything leaves me totally cold ♪ ♪ The only exception I know is the case ♪ ♪ When I'm out on a quiet spree ♪ ♪ Fighting vainly the old ennui ♪ ♪ And I suddenly turn and see ♪ ♪ Your fabulous face ♪ ♪ I get no kick from champagne ♪ ♪ Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all ♪ ♪ So, tell me why should it be true ♪ ♪ That I get a kick out of you?

♪ ♪ Some get a kick from cocaine ♪ ♪ I'm sure that if I took even one sniff ♪ ♪ That would bore me terrifically, too ♪ ♪ Yet I get a kick out of you ♪ ♪ I get a kick every time ♪ ♪ I see you standing there before me ♪ ♪ I get a kick though it's clear to me ♪ ♪ You obviously don't adore me ♪ ♪ I get no kick in a plane ♪ ♪ Flying too high with some guy in the sky ♪ ♪ Is my idea of nothing to do ♪ ♪ Yet I get a kick ♪ ♪ Out of you ♪ ♪ Out of you ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Aw hell, Reno, there's something I've got to tell you.

-Yeah?

-I'm in love.

-I'm in cabin 13.

-No, come on, Reno.

Not with you.

I'm in love with a girl!

God, she is fantastic!

In fact, she is so fantastic she won't even talk to me!

That's why I can't go to London.

I've got to stay -- -Oh, so that's it, eh?

What, all this time you were just giving me the run-around?

-The run-around?

-Well, you had me thinking you wanted to marry me!

-How could you think that?

I always treated you with respect.

-Exactly.

Did you ever try to get me drunk?

No.

Did you ever invite me up to your apartment to "look at your etchings"?

No.

We've been in a taxi dozens of times.

Did you ever once make a pass?

No!

Not one lousy pass!

You shouldn't have led me on like that if you didn't mean it!

-Reno, I never meant to mislead you.

-Oh, the hell you didn't!

You never even laid a hand on me.

And I'm not used to men treating me like that!

[ Laughter ] ♪♪ -[ Scoffs ] ♪♪ ♪ I get no kick in a plane ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Flying too high with some guy in the sky ♪ ♪ Is my idea of nothing to do ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Yet I get a kick ♪ ♪ Out of you ♪ ♪♪ -♪ Oh, there's no cure like travel ♪ ♪ To help you unravel the worries of living today ♪ ♪ When the poor brain is cracking ♪ ♪ There's nothing like packing a suitcase and sailing away ♪ ♪ Take a run 'round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna ♪ ♪ Siena, and then around Rome ♪ ♪ Have a high time ♪ ♪ A low time and in no time you'll be singing ♪ ♪ Home sweet home ♪ [ Whistling ] ♪♪ ♪♪ -Uh, excuse me, Captain.

Has a Mr. Eli Whitney come aboard?

-Mr. Whitney is in the bar.

-Ah, I thought you kept the bar closed till you sailed?

-He had a note from his doctor.

-Oh, thank you.

-Captain, Captain!

A catastrophe!

We may have to delay the sailing!

-What is it?

Icebergs?!

A hurricane?!

-Worse!

Charlie Chaplin just wired.

He's canceling his berth and sailing on the Mauretania.

-Good God!

The passenger list!

Quick!

[ Grumbles, sighs ] Hope Harcourt, the debutante.

That's not bad.

-The Normandie has Jimmy Walker and Machine Gun Kelly.

-Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

-Nothing.

Wealthy Englishman.

-Wait a minute... Napoleon!

-That's the dessert menu.

[ Laughter ] -Then we've got nobody!

Quick, run down to the Stork Club and see if anyone's left over from last night.

-Aye, aye, sir.

-Hey, hey, would you just calm down?

-How can I calm down?!

We're about to spend six days pretending to be something that we're not!

And why?

Why?!

-So we can hitch a free ride on the world's classiest ocean liner, that's why.

And d'you think you're the only person on this barge pretending to be something that he's not?

Half the passengers here are -- -Hey, Captain.

-Whoa!

-Where's the celebrities?

-This tub is deader than the Flying Dutchman.

-Oh, fellows, please!

-My two stray sheep!

Come along.

Ah, gentlemen of the press, I am Henry T. Dobson.

-Not the Henry T.

Dobson?!

-Are you serious, Captain?

Give me a break.

-C'mon, Captain, cut the bushwa!

-A-As you no doubt have heard, I'm on my way to the Westminster Conference, where I shall present my two newest converts -- Luke and John.

[ Both humming ] -Luke here was a compulsive gambler.

Who, as a reminder of his former shame, still carries with him a deck of cards.

A-And poor John here was a lost soul who -- -Reno Sweeney!

-Alright!

Now we're getting somewhere!

-I'll say!

Hey, Reno, what are you doing on board this scow?

-Same thing I do at my nightclub, boys.

I'll be saving sinners twice a night in the ship's lounge.

-I see you brought the sinners with you.

-Meet my Angels.

Purity.

-Hi.

-Chastity.

-Hi.

-Charity.

-Hi.

-And I'm Virtue.

[ Laughter ] -Hi!

-Hi!

-The easy kind, no doubt.

-Say, brother, was that a pass?

-Miss Sweeney, I have no interest in either you or your fallen Angels.

I'm ashamed to be seen in public with you.

-How 'bout a picture, boys?

-Oh, that would e fantastic!

-Coming right up!

-Yes, please!

-If you could just hold there.

-Make sure to send a couple to the Archbishop.

-[ Groans ] Luke!

John!

-Bye!

-I tell you, boys, it ain't easy being New York's most notorious evangelist.

Come, who will lead this sinner beside distilled waters?

[ Laughter ] -What?

-What?

-Which way to the bar?

-Oh!

Just through there.

-Thank you.

-Uh-huh.

-Oh!

Hey, girls.

Give us the hallelujah!

-[ Chuckling ] Yeah!

-[Together] Hallelujah!

-Ooh!

-Gorgeous.

-Hey, look!

Hope Harcourt!

-Oh!

Hey, Miss Harcourt.

Are you presiding at the Gold and Silver Ball this year?

-How about the Newport Cotillion?

-Gentlemen, my daughter's debutante days are over.

She's about to be married.

-Married?!

-Well, since when?

-On the level?!

-Yes, it's true.

I'm marrying Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

We're getting married at St. Paul's Cathedral, and I'm very, very happy.

-Hey, Edith, how about a smooch?

-I beg your pardon?

-Oh, that's a kiss, Your Highness.

-No!

How marvelous!

You know, I'm making a collection of expressions you Americans use.

-"A smooch is a kiss."

Hm!

Oh!

I say, darling, how 'bout a smooch?

[ Flash bulb pops ] -Egad!

Evangeline Harcourt!

-Elisha Whitney!

-[ Barking ] Down, boy, down!

-Eli!

You haven't changed in 40 years.

-Me?

Look at you!

You always did know how to fill a girdle, huh?

-Eli, really!

Have some respect for the memory of my late husband.

-Of course, forgive me.

You know, if it's any consolation, I was just coming out of the Stock Exchange when he took off from that ledge.

[ Laughter ] He jumped like a Yale man.

-Thank you, Eli.

-Boss, your passport.

-Oh, my gosh!

-Eli, you know my daughter, Hope.

And this is her fiancé, Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

-Her fiancé?!

-German word, Crocker.

It means they're getting married.

-But -- I don't believe it!

-I still don't, either.

And yet, a week from now, my little Hope will be a Lady.

-This calls for a drink!

Come along, everybody.

-Isn't Mr. Crocker going to join us?

-Yeah, no, no, no.

He's got a date down on Wall Street.

Get going, Crocker, and sell those shares.

-Yes, sir.

-This way, my dear.

-Hope, wait... [ Whistle blows ] -All ashore that's going ashore!

All ashore that's going ashore!

-Who is God?

The creator of all things.

-Where is God?

-God is everywhere.

-And what does God know?

-Who's gonna win the Kentucky Derby!

[ Laughs ] -You.

Have you seen a minister?

-A what?

-FBI!

We're looking for a gangster dressed up like a minister.

You seen him?

-Uh, yeah, he went that way.

-Show us.

-Well, I gotta see somebody in the bar... -Show us.

-Show us.

-Look, guys, come on, I really-- -Come on!

Let's go!

-...don't have time for this.

-Was it this way?

-Yeah, yeah.

-This is ridiculous!

Come on!

-Psst!

Moonie!

The coast is clear.

-[Echoing] Erma?

[ Laughter ] Erma?!

Hey!

Are we in England yet?

-Where's Snake Eyes?

He hasn't showed.

-Ah, to hell with Snake Eyes!

Come on, he's public enemy number one -- can take care of himself, gimme that.

-Oh, my God, you don't suppose the cops nabbed him?

I gotta find him!

Snake Eyes!

Snake Eyes!

-Quiet!

Quiet!

We're trying to make a getaway here, okay?

-Mm-hmm.

[ Screaming ] Snake Eyes!

-Erma!

Now look what you made me do.

That's my "straddlevarious."

-Ah!

-Oh, wow, wow!

-A fellow cleric!

-Nope!

I'm outta here!

-Allow me to introduce myself, Doctor.

The Reverend Henry T. Dobson.

-Yeah.

-Are you on your way to the conference?

-No, I was thinking of going to bed early tonight, okay?

-Oh, I-I mean the Westminster Conference.

-No, no.

You see, I'm not a West Minister, [ Sniffs ] I'm more in the East.

[ Laughter ] -Oh, what is your field, Doctor?

-Me, I'm a kinda missionary, you know.

-A missionary?!

Where?

-Way out in China.

-Oh, I served in China for years!

-Oh, wow, that's amazing, yeah... well, I wasn't actually in China, I was more, um... -Ah, I see.

You were in Indochina.

-That's right, I was.

It was Indoor China.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[ Laughs ] -Yeah, yeah.

And you were... -Outdoor China!

[ Both laugh ] -That's so funny, yeah.

-Yes.

Eh, we'll have lots to talk about.

-Sure.

-[ Speaking Chinese ] -I'm sorry?

-[ Speaking Chinese ] -Yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth.

-Oh!

-Hey, there he is!

-No, no, no, no!

-FBI!

Gotcha, Moon!

-Un-- Unhand me this instant!

I am the Reverend Henry T. Dobson!

-Yeah, save it for the judge, buddy.

-Oh, my God, they're taking him away!

He's gone!

He's gone!

What're we gonna do?!

-Excuse me, Captain.

Is there a casino on this ship?

-[ Chuckling ] Why, no.

-There is now!

[ Laughs ] -Luke!

Stop!

What are you doing?!

We're gonna end up in the brig!

-I just wanted to say "bon voyage" to the lady, Boss.

-Hey, kid!

-You'll be saying "bon voyage" to your job, Crocker, unless you get the hell off this boat!

[ Ship horn blows ] -I can't find Snake Eyes anywhere!

What'll I do?!

He's my man!

He's my life!

-Erma!

Erma!

Forget Snake Eyes!

-[ Wolf whistles ] -Okay.

-Final call!

All ashore that's going ashore!

-You blew it, Snake Eyes!

Now what'll I do with his passport and ticket?

-Could you let me have them?

-Who are you?

-Give him the goods.

Come on, he saved my ass.

-Ah, thanks a lot!

Huh!

"Murray Hill Cleaners."

Murray Hill Cleaners?

Where'd he get a name like that?

-The Yellow Pages.

[ Ship horn blows ] -Final call!

All ashore that's going ashore!

Final call!

-Aw, what am I doing?!

I'm supposed to be down on Wall Street!

♪♪ -♪ Bon VOY-age ♪ -♪ You mean "bon voy-AGE" ♪ ♪ I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart ♪ -♪ By the seashore ♪ -♪ You mean "sur la plage" ♪ ♪ I'll wait and watch the sea ♪ ♪ Till you come back to me ♪ -♪ Oh, my dearie ♪ -♪ You mean "ma cherie" ♪ -♪ I'm yours for life ♪ -♪ You mean "pour la vie" ♪ -♪ So kiss me, pretty wench ♪ -♪ In English or in French ♪ ♪ Bon VOY-age ♪ ♪ Bon voy-AGE ♪ ♪♪ -♪ Oh, there's no cure like travel ♪ -♪ Bon VOY-age, I mean "bon voy-AGE" ♪ -♪ To help you unravel the worries of living today ♪ -♪ I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart ♪ -♪ When the poor brain is cracking ♪ -♪ By the seashore, I mean "sur la plage" ♪ -♪ There's nothing like packing ♪ -♪ I'll wait and watch the sea ♪ Till you come back to me ♪ -♪ A suitcase and sailing away ♪ ♪ Take a run 'round Vienna, Granada ♪ -♪ Oh, my dearie, I mean "ma cherie" ♪ -♪ Ravenna, Siena, and then around Rome ♪ -♪ I'm yours for life, I mean "pour la vie" ♪ -♪ Have a high time ♪ -♪ So kiss me, pretty wench ♪ -♪ A low time and in no time ♪ -♪ In English or in French ♪ -♪ You'll be singing ♪ -♪ Bon voyage ♪ -♪ Bon voyage ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Oh, there's no cure like travel ♪ ♪ To help you unravel ♪ ♪ The worries of living today ♪ ♪ When the poor brain is cracking ♪ ♪ There's nothing like packing ♪ ♪ A suitcase and sailing away ♪ ♪ Take a run 'round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna ♪ ♪ Siena, and then around Rome ♪ ♪ Have a high time ♪ ♪ A low time, and in no time you'll be singing ♪ ♪ Home sweet home ♪ [ Tones chime ] -Last seating for supper!

Last seating for supper!

-Thank you.

-Oh, excuse me, Purser.

I'm looking for Miss Hope Harcourt.

Is she in the dining room?

-She and Lord Oakleigh were down for the eight o'clock seating, Mister, um...?

-Oh, Flowers.

Murray Hill Flowers.

-Murray Hill Flowers?

-I mean Cleaners!

Nuts!

-What is your name, sir?

-Billy Crocker!

-Oh!

Hey, Billy!

Good to see you!

-You came after all!

-[ Clears throat ] -I didn't see you come on board.

-[ Clears throat ] -Where you been hiding?

-[ Clears throat ] -How'd you get a ticket?

-Aw!

-Oh, you're still sore at me for last night.

Listen, Billy.

I wanted -- [ Laughter ] Mm!

You're not sore at me for last night.

Well, you should be.

I was out of line.

-Oh, forget it, Reno.

-No, no, no.

It's your love life.

If you're satisfied with second-best, forget about me and go after Miss Fantastic.

-Well, I did.

She's on the boat.

-Fantastic.

-Aw, Reno, I'm in a mess.

I'm gonna lose my job, my boss is gonna lose his shirt, and all because of some damn dame!

-Well, she must be some damn dame.

-Oh, Reno, she is.

You are gonna love her.

Her name is Hope.

Hope Harcourt.

-Hope Harcourt?

The debutante Hope Harcourt?

The one who came out on a zeppelin?

The one who chases foxes on the cover of Life?

-What are you saying?

She's out of my league?

-Billy!

-Hell, maybe she is.

-Billy.

-No, no, no.

I can -- I can see it now.

Guys like me deliver her groceries -- they don't walk her down the aisle.

[ Sighs ] Yeah, besides, she's engaged to some English guy.

An Earl or something.

[ Scoffs ] -Billy.

[ Sighs ] We've been friends forever, right?

-Yeah.

-So, friend to friend, lemme ask you something.

Where the hell's the old Crocker confidence?!

You think some tea bag can compete with you?!

You think he's got one tiny fraction of your brains, your looks, your...

Your... Ah!

♪ At words poetic, I'm so pathetic ♪ ♪ That I always have found it best ♪ ♪ Instead of getting 'em off my chest ♪ ♪ To let 'em rest unexpressed ♪ ♪ I hate parading my serenading ♪ ♪ As I'll probably miss a bar ♪ ♪ But if this ditty is not so pretty ♪ ♪ At least it'll tell you how great you are ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're the Coliseum ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're the Louvre museum ♪ ♪ You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss ♪ ♪ You're a Bendel bonnet ♪ ♪ A Shakespeare sonnet ♪ ♪ You're Mickey Mouse ♪ ♪ You're the Nile ♪ ♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪ ♪ You're the smile ♪ ♪ On the Mona Lisa ♪ ♪ I'm a worthless check ♪ ♪ A total wreck, a flap ♪ ♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ -♪ Your words poetic are not pathetic ♪ ♪ On the other hand, babe, you shine ♪ ♪ And I can feel after every line ♪ ♪ A thrill divine ♪ ♪ Down my spine ♪ Ooh, now!

-[ Laughs ] -♪ Gifted humans like Vincent Youmans ♪ ♪ Might think that your song is bad ♪ ♪ But I got a notion, I'll second the motion ♪ ♪ And this is what I'm going to add ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're Mahatma Gandhi ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're Napoleon brandy ♪ ♪ You're the purple light of a summer night in Spain ♪ ♪ You're the National Gallery ♪ ♪ You're Garbo's salary ♪ ♪ You're cellophane ♪ ♪ You're sublime ♪ ♪ You're a turkey dinner ♪ ♪ You're the time ♪ ♪ Of the Derby winner ♪ ♪ I'm a toy balloon that's fated soon to pop ♪ ♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top!

♪ -Whoo!

♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're an arrow collar ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're a Coolidge dollar ♪ ♪ You're the nimble tread of the feet of Fred Astaire ♪ ♪ You're an O'Neill drama ♪ -♪ You're Whistler's mama ♪ -♪ You're Camembert ♪ -♪ You're a rose ♪ ♪ You're inferno's Dante ♪ -♪ You're the nose ♪ ♪ On the great Durante ♪ ♪ I'm just in the way ♪ ♪ As the French would say, "de trop" ♪ ♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ -♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're a dance in Bali ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're a hot tamale ♪ ♪ You're an angel, you, simply too, too, too "diveen" ♪ ♪ You're a Botticelli ♪ ♪ You're Keats ♪ -♪ You're Shelley ♪ -♪ You're Ovaltine ♪ -♪ You're a boon ♪ ♪ You're the dam at Boulder ♪ -♪ You're the moon ♪ ♪ Over Mae West's shoulder ♪ ♪ I'm the nominee of the G.O.P.

♪ -♪ Or "gop" ♪ ♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're my Swanee River ♪ -♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're goose's liver ♪ -♪ You're the baby grand of a lady and a gent ♪ -♪ You're a dress from Saks's ♪ ♪ You're next year's taxes ♪ -♪ You're Pepsodent ♪ -Ah!

♪ You're a prize ♪ ♪ You're a night at Coney ♪ -♪ You're the eyes ♪ ♪ Of Irène Bordoni ♪ -♪ I'm a frightened frog ♪ ♪ That can find no log to hop ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ -♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're a Waldorf salad ♪ -♪ You're the top ♪ ♪ You're a Berlin ballad ♪ -♪ You're the boats that glide on the sleepy Zuiderzee ♪ ♪ You're an old Dutch master ♪ -♪ You're Lady Astor ♪ -♪ You're broccoli ♪ -♪ You're romance ♪ ♪ You're the Steppes of Russia ♪ -♪ You're the pants ♪ Aah!

♪ On a Roxy usher ♪ ♪ I'm a broken doll ♪ -♪ A folderol ♪ -♪ A blop ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ -♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪ ♪ You're the top ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Try taking deep breaths, dear.

That always helps me.

-[ Inhales deeply ] [ Retches ] -Uh, maybe you should go lie down.

-And leave you all alone?

I wouldn't dream of it.

Besides, I'll be right as rain as soon as we escape these swells.

-But the sea's as flat as a pancake, dear.

-Oh, Hope, please.

I wish you wouldn't mention food just now.

-Sorry.

I'll go get you a Bromo.

-Hiya, Hope.

How ya doin'?

-Hello, Billy.

Billy!

-You know, you are beautiful when you're about to faint.

-Billy, I didn't know you were sailing!

-Well, I didn't either.

-Then what are you doing here?

-I'm selling life preservers.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, Hope.

I stowed away to be with you.

I couldn't let you go.

-Oh, Billy!

-[ Groaning ] Ohh!

-Oh!

Billy.

Eh, this is my fiancé, Evelyn Oakleigh.

-Ah!

Billy Crocker.

Pleased to meet you!

-Forgive me, forgive me.

I'm afraid I rather overdid it in the dining room.

-Oh, yeah, me too!

Did you have the sweetbreads?

Best brains I ever ate!

-Billy... -Although, I've never seen them served that way before, with jellied eels and headcheese.

-Billy, stop it!

-Night, all!

-Billy, was that fair?

-Fair?

I find you standing here in the moonlight with him.

I didn't shoot him, I didn't push him overboard.

I thought I was more than fair.

[ Chuckles ] -You're being terribly bad, Billy.

Why, we hardly know each other.

-Hardly know each other?

-We met one night at a party.

We danced, had a little too much wine.

We took a little spin 'round the park.

-You call five hours in the back of a taxi a little spin?

-Four hours.

-Five.

Remember, you fell asleep after we -- -I remember!

-And then I took you down to that little café by the docks.

-We ate breakfast as the sun came up.

-Yeah, we talked about going to California, getting a little bungalow... raising orange trees... -Raising kids... Billy, that was a fantasy.

Things like that just aren't done.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Me and you, huh?

[ Scoffs ] Who am I kidding?

♪ I know too well that I'm just wasting precious time ♪ ♪ In thinking such a thing could be ♪ ♪ That you could ever care for me ♪ ♪ I'm sure you hate to hear ♪ ♪ That I adore you, dear ♪ ♪ But grant me, just the same ♪ ♪ I'm not entirely to blame ♪ ♪ For you'd be so easy to love ♪ ♪ So easy to idolize, all others above ♪ ♪ So sweet to waken with ♪ ♪ So nice to sit down to eggs and bacon with ♪ -[ Chuckles ] -♪ We'd be so grand at the game ♪ ♪ So carefree together that it does seem a shame ♪ ♪ That you can't see ♪ ♪ Your future with me ♪ ♪ 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ So worth the yearning for ♪ ♪ So swell to keep every home fire burning for ♪ ♪ Oh, how we'd bloom, how we'd thrive ♪ ♪ In a cottage for two ♪ ♪ Or even three, four, or five ♪ ♪ So try to see ♪ ♪ Your future with me ♪ ♪ 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love ♪ ♪ 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love ♪ [ Applause ] -Billy, this is all wrong.

I'm marrying Evelyn.

Nothing can change that.

-You can change that.

All you have to do is say -- -No!

If you don't leave me alone, I'll make a scene.

♪♪ -You love me, Hope.

You're going to marry me.

-♪ We'd be so grand at the game ♪ ♪ So carefree together that it does seem a shame ♪ ♪♪ ♪ 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love ♪ ♪ 'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love ♪ ♪♪ [ Applause ] ♪♪ -♪ I want to row on the crew, Mama ♪ ♪ That's the thing I want to do, Mama ♪ ♪ To be known throughout Yale as I walk about it ♪ ♪ Get a boil on my tail and then talk about it ♪ [ Laughter ] -Yeah, Operator, get me stateroom 1616, Mrs. Evangeline Harcourt.

[ Chuckles ] Evangeline!

It's Eli.

Eli Whitney.

Yeah, listen, I just had a swell idea.

You know, I'm all alone down here, and you're all alone up there.

At least, I hope you are.

Hey-hey!

[ Laughs ] So what?

Who cares what time it is, my turtle dove?

I think of you and time stands still.

Why, your face alone would stop a clock.

[ Laughter ] Hello?

Must be on her way!

[ Chuckles ] ♪ I'd like to be a big bloke, Mama ♪ ♪ And learn that new Argentine stroke, Mama ♪ ♪ You'll see your slim son ♪ ♪ Putting crimps in the Crimson ♪ ♪ When I row on the varsity crew ♪ -Would ya listen to that squawking?!

-Yeah.

-How do I look, Moonie?

-Where d'ya think you're going?

-The boiler room.

A certain sailor's gonna show me the finer points of stoking.

-Oh, please.

You're going nowhere.

With your big mouth, you could land us both in Sing-Sing.

Sit down, we're gonna play cards.

-I don't wanna play cards!

-Hey, Erma.

Sit down.

[ Knock on door ] -Yeah, who is it?

-It's me, Billy.

-Oh, that's the kid.

Um...

Uh, one moment, my son.

We're saying our prayers!

Eh, say the prayers.

Say the prayers!

-Art's father, who art in Heaven.

Halloween's my name.

The Kingfish come, dee-dum, dee-dum.

On Earth as in New Haven!

-Get up.

Come in, my son.

Come in.

-Amen!

-Amen!

-And bless you, my child.

Yeah.

What, you seem troubled.

-Oh.

[ Chuckles ] I gotta lay low for a while.

I don't think the purser believes I'm Murray Hill Cleaners.

-Yeah, well, maybe I can assist you in some way.

-Ah, I don't think a minister can help me, Doc.

The girl I'm in love with is gonna marry another guy.

-Yeah, well, I could kill the other guy, you know.

-♪ When I row on the varsity crew ♪ -That's my boss!

If he sees me on this ship, I'm dead!

-Yeah, well, I bet he couldn't see you if I swiped his glasses.

-I don't know what church you belong to, Doc, but you're one hell of a Christian.

-[ Chuckles ] Stay there, watch and learn.

♪♪ [ Knock on door ] -One moment, my pet!

[ Chuckles ] The game's afoot!

Entrez-vous, mon petit cabbage.

[ Chuckles ] -Whew!

-Oh, my dear, you look ravishing.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, I think I need a shave, myself, you know.

-What, what... What the hell?!

That-- Padre!

What are you doing here?

-I've come to take up the collection.

-I thought you did that in the chapel.

-Why, you planning to attend chapel?

-Yeah, well, no.

-Well, then pony up or I'll come back in the morning when you're nursing your hangover.

Whoa, look at that.

That's funny.

[ Chuckles ] I seem to be wearing someone else's hat.

Hey, can you read the initials in there?

I don't see it... Achoo!

-Bless you.

-No, bless you.

-Wait... where are my glasses?

-You sure you had 'em on when you barged in here?

-What?

This is my stateroom!

-Then what am I doing in here?

I've never been so insulted in all my life!

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ] Yeah, so I stole his glasses.

Now we're be gonna okay as long as the Captain doesn't show up.

[ Knock on door ] -Who is it?

-The Captain.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh!

-One moment please!

Hey, hide him!

Hide him!

One moment, thank you!

-Quick, quick!

-Yeah, come in.

And that, my dear, is how Goliath slayed Moses and the whale.

[ Laughter ] -Amen.

-Amen.

Eh, sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but does a Mr. Murray Hill Cleaners occupy this cabin?

-No, not very often.

Why, is something wrong?

-We've had a radiogram from Washington.

-Mm-mmm.

-The man you're traveling with is not Murray Hill Cleaners.

He's Snake Eyes Johnson.

Public enemy number one.

-Public enemy number one?!

-Wow, Santa Claus-a!

Aye!

-Don't worry, Doctor, my men can handle him.

If he does turn up, just give a shout.

-Aah!

-Aah!

[ Laughter ] -Just practicing.

-Aah!

-Aah!

[ Laughter ] -Let him out.

Let him out.

-Stop me if I'm out of line, Doc, but I don't think you're really a minister.

-Okay, kid, I'm gonna level with you, alright?

I'm not really a minister.

I'm Moonface Martin.

Boom!

Eh!

Ah!

[ Clears throat ] The famous gangster.

-Yeah.

Public enemy number 13.

[ Laughter ] -Help, police.

-Shut it, Erma.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're not gonna turn me in, are you?

-Doc, relax, we're pals.

-Then where're you going?

-Well, I got a wedding to bust up!

-Hey, no, no.

You can't go out there.

The Captain thinks you're Snake Eyes Johnson.

-Hey, what I need is a disguise.

-Oh, yeah, what?

Like a gorilla suit?

Or a suit of armor or something.

[ Chuckles ] -Or a sailor suit!

-Yeah.

-You want a sailor suit?

No problem.

-But... [ Laughter ] -Alright.

-Hey!

Courtesy of your boss.

Thanks, Boss.

♪♪ -♪ A sailor's life is supposed to be ♪ ♪ A hell of a lot of fun ♪ -♪ Yes, but when you're a sailor, take it from me ♪ ♪ You work like a son of a gun ♪ -♪ They give us jobs of every kind ♪ ♪ And chores of every sort ♪ -♪ But sweat away, sailor, you don't mind ♪ ♪ 'Cause you know when you hit port ♪ ♪ There will always be a lady fair ♪ ♪ A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair ♪ ♪ There'll always be a lady fair ♪ ♪ Who's waiting there for you ♪ ♪ There will always be a lady fair ♪ ♪ To smooth your troubles and to muss your hair ♪ ♪ There'll always be a lady fair ♪ ♪ Who's waiting there for you ♪ -Hello, boys!

-Hey, how you doing?

-Ooh!

[ Giggles ] Ohh!

[ Laughing ] Ooh!

Come!

-♪ There will always be a girl's caress ♪ ♪ To change your answer from a no to yes ♪ ♪ There'll always be a lady fair ♪ ♪ Who's waiting there for you ♪ [ Vocalizing ] ♪♪ -[ Vocalizing ] You're next!

Mm!

-Sailor!

-Yes, sir.

-Keep this quiet.

He's public enemy number one.

We don't want to set off a panic among the passengers.

You check the foredeck and report to me on the bridge.

-Aye, aye, sir.

-And remember, he is a master of disguise.

[ Laughter ] -This is ridiculous.

These pants must be 6 inches too short.

-Yeah, I don't think Erma picked the guy for the length of his pants.

[ Chuckles ] -Pull!

[ Gunshot ] -Don't shoot, I'm com-- -Hallelujah, the lord.

Hallelu... -Uh, excuse me, sir, what was that noise?

-That was the trapshooting contest.

-Crapshooting contest?

-Skeetshooting, Doctor, yes.

First prize is $100.

-Whoa!

Hey, can you use your own gun?

[ Laughter ] -Of course.

-Yeah, see you later.

-Hey, wait a minute!

Wait!

Oh, sor... -Attention!

-Pull!

[ Gunshot ] Miss!

-Really, mother, we didn't lose all our money in the crash.

Why, if I changed my mind right now and decided not to marry Evelyn, we'd be fine.

-We would not be fine!

[ Sobs ] You two haven't quarreled, have you?

Oh, dear!

[ Sniffles, sobs ] [ Sobbing loudly ] -I'm going to marry him, mother.

Everything will be alright.

-Oh, good!

-Pull!

[ Gunshot ] Miss!

Pull!

[ Gunshot ] Miss!

Pull!

[ Machine gun fire ] [ People screaming ] -[ Scatting ] Boosh!

Hey-hey, yeah!

[ Laughs ] Shaka-boom!

-Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Are you Mrs. Evangeline Harcourt?

-Why, yes.

-Oh, no!

-The Captain has asked me to find you.

The ship has hit an iceberg.

-[ Screaming ] -Shh!

All the lifeboats are leaking except one.

The Captain is saving the last two places for you and your daughter.

-Billy, this isn't fair.

-Who cares if it's fair?

The ship is sinking!

Oh, jewelry!

Oh, do I have time to go back for my jewelry?

-Hurry!

And remember, not a word to anyone.

-Mm, mm!

-I hope you're proud of yourself, Billy.

-Now that you mention it, I am.

12 hours after you tell me to leave you alone forever, I got you all to myself.

-Oh, sorry, madam.

-Not quite all to yourself.

-Oh!

-Good morning, Mr. Whitney.

-Ah?

Oh, hello, my dear.

Yeah, I'm looking for a sailor.

-Take a look at this one!

-Ah!

Now, I want to send a wire.

Uh, this goes to William Crocker, Whitney Building, New York City.

Eh, "Crocker -- Wire confirmation of Amalgamated sale at once."

Got that?

-Mm-hmm.

-Uh, better have him read it back.

-Doh!

[ High-pitched voice ] Crocker.

Wire confirmation of Amalgamated sale at once.

-You know, you remind me of somebody.

-D'aw!

Look out!

-What was that?!

-Biggest seagull I ever saw!

-What?!

Oh!

Oh-oh!

-Gotta run!

I'll see you later!

-[ Breathing heavily ] [ Laughter ] They've gone!

Oh!

Oh, Captain, thank God!

Where do I go?

[ Panting ] -Where would you like to go?

[ Laughter ] -The lifeboat.

-[ Chuckles ] The lifeboat drill is tomorrow morning, madam.

-But the sailor told us.

-Told you what?

-The ship is sinking!

-What?!

-What?!

-A joke, ladies and gentlemen!

She's only joshing!

[ Chuckles ] I suggest you have a little talk with the ship's doctor, madam.

And in the meantime, stay out of the bar.

[ Laughter ] -Go on, go on, just do what I told you.

-But what if he's -- gah!

Excuse me, Father.

-Yeah?

Can I assist you in some way, my son?

-Brother Luke has been playing cards.

-Mm-hmm.

-Look.

-Yeah, it's the wages of sin.

For shame.

Go hail a few Mary's, will ya?

So, you been playing cards, yeah?

-[ Chuckles ] -Can you, uh -- can you shoot craps?

-[ Scoffs ] No.

-Kneel, Christian, watch closely.

Right, put up your money.

I put up my money.

-I throw a number, if I throw the same number before I throw a seven, I win.

If not, you win.

Boom-ah!

-Craps!

I win!

[ Both laugh ] -Something wrong here.

-Hey, thanks a lot.

-Yeah, don't mention it.

What did I do?

-You walked out on me!

I nearly got nailed by my boss, and everyone's pointing at me in this stupid disguise!

-Hey, don't knock the disguise!

Come on, it's practically as good as mine.

-Hey, Billy.

How you doing?

-Ya-huh!

-Moonface Martin!

Long time no see!

-Shh, Reno, quiet!

-Hi.

-Okay, quiet!

You don't know me.

I'm a hunted man.

-Ah, there he is!

-Don't shoot!

I'm -- I'm flying fish.

There go the flying fish.

My God.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

[ Laughter ] -Doctor, have you seen Mr. Cleaners?

-Yeah, as a matter of fact, I think I saw him going into the mizzen mast.

-We don't have a mizzen mast.

-Yeah?

Must've been someone else.

-Yes.

Sailor, come with me.

I want you to help me find someone.

-Aye, aye, sir.

-Who's he looking for?

-He's looking for Billy.

-Billy oughta be a big help to him.

-[ Chuckles ] -What ho!

It's Reno Sweeney.

I say, um, Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

Might I have your autograph?

-Why not?

-[ Chuckles ] D'you know, I spent the most smashing night in your club.

"Lawdy, Lawdy!

Saints preserve us."

Your singing stirred me into a frenzy, had me dancing about like Bojingles.

-[ Chuckles ] Thank you.

-"Are you drunk or crazy?

Good luck, Reno Sweeney."

[ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] Oh, I say, um, why don't we all have tea in my cabin?

I know that my fiancé, Miss Harcourt, would love to meet you.

-That's very sweet of you, but I'm afraid that I -- -Yeah!

She'd love to.

-Oh, marvelous!

-Yeah.

-Shall we say four o'clock?

-Ooh, four o'clock.

-Four o'clock.

-See you later, elevator.

[ Chuckles ] -Moonie!

That's the Tommy that's been making time with Billy's girl.

This is going to be like consorting with the enemy.

-Exactly!

Here's the plan, right.

You get to his cabin nice and early wearing something that slips off easy.

I bust in, I catch him tearing your clothes off, and then we blackmail him into breaking off the engagement.

-Moon!

That's despicable!

-You don't like it?

-I love it.

-Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Reno.

[ Chuckles ] We shoulda teamed up years ago!

-We're two of a kind, alright.

-Partners.

-Through thick or thin.

-Night or day.

-Right or wrong.

-♪ If you're ever in a jam, here I am ♪ -♪ If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal ♪ -♪ If you ever feel so happy you land in jail ♪ ♪ I'm your bail ♪ -♪ It's friendship, friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ ♪ When other friendships have been forgot ♪ ♪ Ours will still be hot ♪ ♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle, dig, dig, dig ♪ -♪ I'm digging that ♪ ♪♪ ♪ If you're ever down a well, ring my bell ♪ -♪ If you ever catch on fire, send a wire ♪ -♪ If you ever lose your teeth when you're out to dine ♪ ♪ Borrow mine ♪ -♪ It's friendship, friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ ♪ When other friendships have ceased to gel ♪ ♪ Ours will still be swell ♪ ♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle, hep, hep, hep ♪ -Oh, I love that.

♪♪ -♪ If they ever black your eyes, put me wise ♪ -♪ If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose ♪ -♪ If they ever put a bullet through your brain ♪ ♪ I'll complain ♪ -♪ It's friendship, friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ ♪ When other friendships go up in smoke ♪ ♪ Ours will still be oke ♪ ♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle, goof, goof, goof ♪ -Oh!

God, we're stuck now.

-[ Laughs ] ♪♪ -Oh!

-Ah!

♪ If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind ♪ Oh, baby!

Hey!

-♪ If you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt ♪ -♪ If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half, ha!

♪ ♪ I won't laugh ♪ -♪ It's friendship, friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ ♪ When other friendships have been forgate ♪ ♪ Ours will still be great ♪ -♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle ♪ You just cut my lahdle.

What's going on here?

♪♪ Hey!

-♪ If they ever crack your spine, drop a line ♪ -[ Whistles ] ♪ If they ever cut your throat, write a note ♪ -Hey!

♪ If they ever make a cannibal stew of you, invite me too ♪ ♪ It's friendship ♪ -Hey!

-♪ Friendship ♪ ♪ Just a perfect blendship ♪ ♪ When other friendships are up the crick ♪ ♪ Ours will still be slick ♪ ♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle ♪ -♪ Quack, quack, quack -♪ Chuck, chuck, chuck ♪ -No, it's not what you said.

-Yeah, it's quack.

-No, we decided not to do... -Always been quack.

-No, well, yes.

But you -- -Read it, then!

Read it!

Read the lyrics!

-What?!

-It's in the lyrics, there.

-No.

-Quack, quack, quack.

-No.

They're not, because... -No, you're...

I didn't change anything.

-No, no, no.

We're supposed to be partners.

And you threw me out there!

-Yeah, we are partners.

Just for the moment.

For the song.

-I thought that we were -- [ Tapping ] -What's your problem?

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot about them.

-Hi.

-Yeah.

[ Laughter ] -What are you waving for?

-I don't know.

They, they -- I just thought I'd... -We're supposed to be at sea.

-[ Laughs ] -Look, we gotta come up with a big ending, okay.

'Cause I don't like the look of the crowd.

-[ Laughs ] Okay.

-Let's go for it.

-Okay.

-[ Inhales deeply ] [ Laughter ] Now I need another breath.

-[ Laughs ] -Okay, you ready?

-Yeah, oh, yes.

Please.

[ Inhales deeply ] -♪ When other friendships have been forgot ♪ ♪ Ours will still be hot ♪ -Nah!

-No, just a few... -Come on, get it right!

-I am!

Just put your... -How many more do you get wrong?

-Oh, my gosh!

Just put your arms out!

-I don't understand.

-Why are you pushing me?

Come back!

♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -I think we got 'em.

-You think?

-Yeah, we got 'em.

It's okay.

-Okay.

-I feel good now.

They're back on our side.

[ Applause ] ♪♪ -Hey!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Whoa!

Ha!

♪♪ -Come on, you know... -Whoa.

-Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait!

♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ So kiss me, pretty wench ♪ ♪ In English or in French ♪ ♪ Bon VOY-age ♪ ♪ Bon voy-AGE ♪ [ Knock on door ] Ah!

Come in!

-Did you ring, sir?

-Yes.

You might bring me my tea, please.

And step in it.

[ Laughter ] -I'm sorry, sir?

-Oh, I, I, I mean, um, sit on it.

-Sir?

-Oh, gosh.

I, I, I... Just bring it right away, will you?

-Oh!

Yes, sir.

I'll step on it.

Yeah.

-"Step on it"?

It makes no sense at all.

[ Knock on door ] -Ah, come in!

Gosh, I say, you yanks are fast.

Um, just put it on the bed, will you?

I really wanted it before I started to dress.

I do hope that it's good and hot!

-Nobody's complained yet!

-Oh, dear me.

I say, I-I thought you were the man with my tea.

-What were you going to do if it was cold, cut off his head?

-[ Chuckles ] Oh, you mean Excalibur.

Old family heirloom.

Mother Harcourt wants me to wear it for the wedding.

You know, it's odd.

But the old dear's as taken with things English as I am with things American.

-Well, I'm glad you feel that way because this America certainly feels gaga about you.

-"Gaga," hm!

I'm not sure I follow.

-Does this make it any clearer?

-Oh, marvelous.

-"To feel 'gaga' about a person means to rub his neck."

-[ Chuckles ] No, you don't understand.

I mean, you do things to me.

-Do things to you?

-I mean you send me.

-Send you where?

-One look at you and I get hot pants.

-Oh, dear me.

Would a bit of ice do any good?

-Evie!

"Hot pants" means that I'm crazy about you.

-"Hot pants mean that you're crazy about me."

[ Laughter ] Oh, smashing!

Because I think you're the absolute rat's pajamas.

-Ha!

[ Laughs ] -Oh, oh, I say, um... -Um... -Is something funny?

-Yeah, but it's also kinda cute.

-Okay!

What's going on in here?!

Ha-ha!

So this is what I find, huh?

Oh, you beast.

You animal, you despoiler of innocent girlhood.

Look at this poor child.

Look at her!

Her clothes torn off by your fiendish attack.

Hey, hey!

Standing there in all her nakedness.

There's something wrong here.

[ Laughter ] -There's nothing wrong here.

-Just hold on a minute, Moonface.

-No!

D'you think your girlfriend's gonna marry you after this?

And don't think she won't know, because I am gonna tell her!

-Oh, do, do!

Only, make it a bit thicker.

She does complain that I lack fervor.

-Now, hang on, buster.

You -- you got the wrong attitude.

You're talking to a very dangerous man.

-Oh, go on, Padre.

You're an old sweetheart and you know it.

-Okay, okay.

I'm gonna prove to you how dangerous I am, okay?

I'll show you.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ] Do you mind waiting here?

I won't be long.

-[ Chuckles, sighs ] -You know, I had noticed that these clergy sometimes go a bit off.

-Oh, Evie, there's something that I gotta tell ya.

This was a setup.

-A setup?

-We were going to frame you.

-Frame me?

-He was supposed to bust in and catch us in a... clinch!

-Oh, I say!

You mean he thought I was going to... make love to you?

-That was the idea.

-Oh, that is exciting!

You mean to say that he thought that you and me - -Okay!

Right.

Does this prove how serious this is?

-Moon!

Are you nuts?

Put that thing down.

-No.

-Put it down.

-No!

-Down!

-Ooh!

-It's alright, Padre!

You thought that I'd take advantage of Miss Sweeney here, and you came to her rescue, and I admire you for it.

I really admire you enormously.

Oh, what's the expression?

Ah!

I've got hot pants for you!

[ Laughter ] -You come any closer and I'll shoot.

♪♪ [ Applause ] ♪♪ -Oh!

Aw!

[ Dog barking ] -[ Screams ] -I'm so sorry.

-You should keep that thing on a lead!

-Evening, folks!

I trust you're enjoying the crossing!

-This is the dullest passenger list I've ever seen.

-There's nobody onboard but nobody!

-No celebrities?

I want celebrities!

-Oh, well, um... H-How about, uh... Gertrude Ederle!

-The channel swimmer?

-Well, is she overboard?

-Not exactly, but... there she goes!

-[ Gasps ] Oh!

-Oh, well I never!

-What does he take us for?!

-It's like crossing on a tugboat!

-Next time I'm booking with Cunard.

-What does Hope see in that guy?

-Yeah.

-Hey, it must be her mother.

-Yeah.

-She's the one behind all this.

-Hey, I could shoot the mother!

-Moon!

-No, okay.

I've got another plan.

-Yeah, well, I hope it's better than the last one.

-Yeah.

-Any sign of that criminal yet, men?

-Uh, not yet, sir.

-Apprehend that man immediately.

-Aye, aye, sir.

-And if you see any celebrities, apprehend them, too.

-Yes, sir.

-Hey, did you hear that?

-Yeah.

-I gotta do something about this disguise!

-Whoa!

-Stay out of the kitchen or I'll put you on the menu.

-Sailor, find out who this belongs to, would you?

-Aye, aye, sir.

-Now, if only I had a beard or a phony mustache.

[ Laughter ] -[ Chuckling ] -Hm!

[ Laughter ] -Cheeky!

Cheeky!

[ Sobbing ] Ohh!

Where is that dog?

-Now, now.

They always find their way home.

-His home is in Oyster Bay, Long Island!

-Be calm, my dear.

Oh, you're like a trembling fawn.

Here.

Have a snort.

-I told you, Eli.

Liquor has never touched my lips.

-[ Gasps ] You know a shortcut?

[ Laughter ] -Cheeky!

Cheeky, doggy, doggy.

Cheeky!

-Oh, Evangeline.

Just look at the moon, huh?

This night was made for romance, my sweet.

[ Chuckles ] Will you marry me?

[ Laughter ] -I'm afraid I can't, sir.

I'm already married.

-What?!

-But there is a lady 'round the corner looking for a dog.

Why don't you try her?

-Yeah, um, thank you.

-You're welcome.

[ Laughter ] -It's okay.

[ Chuckles ] He wants his beard back.

-Cheeky!

[ Dog barks ] -Oh, quick, get rid of him!

-Yeah, what?

What d'you do with a dog, huh?

-Just, I don't know... Just get rid of him.

-I know, I'll put him down here!

-Come on, come on.

-Stop, stop, stop!

[ Laughter ] -Oh!

Where is that dog?

Cheeky!

[ Dog barks ] -Aah!

Aah!

[ Laughter ] You stupid dog!

Stupid!

-Dear me, are you alright?

-Yeah, yeah.

I'm -- I'm fine now.

-Oh, Captain!

Captain, thank God!

I need your help!

-What is it this time, madam?

-I can't find my little Cheeky!

-Why, it's right beside your little nosey!

[ Laughter ] -[ Crying ] [ Dog barks ] -Ohh!

[ Water splashes ] -How could you do that?!

-Oh, relax.

Dogs are good swimmers.

-This way, men!

-We'll check the library, then the ballroom.

He's got to be onboard somewhere!

-Ca-caw!

Ca-caw!

[ Laughter ] -Are you sure this is gonna work?

-Look, come on.

D'you want me to take care of the mother or not?

-Well... hey, here she is.

-Oh, good.

Oh, excuse me, Miss.

We're from old London town.

[ Laughter ] And we're looking for a Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

Do you know him?

-I should say so, he's going to marry my daughter.

-Oh, no!

-Oh!

-Is something wrong?

-Allow me to introduced myself.

I am Lord Evelyn Oakleigh!

The man you think you know as Lord Evelyn Oakleigh is, in reality, my brother -- -Yeah.

-...Edna.

-Edna.

-Your brother Edna?

-That's right.

His real name's Mona, but he changed it, you see, 'cause he's a bit deranged, you know.

-Several months ago, he escaped from the family suite at Bedlam.

-You have a family suite at Bedlam?

-That's right.

I was driving him down to Savile Row for his new straightjacket and suddenly, blinky-blonky-blind-me, gambolin' off, give me the slip, he did.

-Who is this man?

-Oh!

My brother's keeper.

-Yeah.

-Oh, dear me.

Oh, this is most upsetting.

-Yeah.

It's alright.

Don't -- Don't worry.

We know how to handle him.

-Oh, yes.

We have been through this a million times.

-You mean this has happened before?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, he marries them, murders them, marries them, and murders them.

-Oh!

-Murders their mothers.

-Ohh!

-Yeah.

-But he seemed so normal.

-I know, they all say that, don't they.

-She doesn't know the signs.

-The telltale signs.

-The fatal signs.

-The fatal signs.

-Signs?

What signs?

-Well, there's a certain phrase he uses.

-Just before he snaps.

-Have you ever heard him say... -What ho!

-That's it!

-Edna!

-Shhh!

-I-I mean, Evelyn!

-Oh, I've been looking for you everywhere, Mums.

I say, how do you like it?

-Whoa!

Whoa!

-Ohhh!

-Jesus Christ.

-Dear me, is she alright?

-It's alright, she's just playing dead.

-Oh, my God, Mother!

Mother!

Billy, what have you done?

-Hope, I can explain everything.

-You just don't know when to stop, do you, Billy?

-His name isn't Billy, dear.

It's Evelyn.

And Evelyn isn't Evelyn.

He's Edna.

[ Laughter ] And Edna's really Mona!

-I'll show you who he is!

-It's him!

-No!

-Hey, he's getting away!

-Come on, after him!

-Evelyn, will you please take Mrs. Harcourt back to her cabin?

-Righto.

-Oh, dear me, dear me.

What else can go wrong?!

-There, there, Mums.

Cheer up.

-[ Sobbing ] Woof, woof!

-Ohh!

Cheeky!

-How long are you going to keep up this ridiculous act?

-I beg your pardon?

-You're in love with him.

Why don't you just admit it?

-I really don't think that this is any of your -- -You know, he may want you now, but he's not going to stick around forever.

Half the women in New York are crazy about him.

Why, just the other night, one of the best-looking dames I know practically proposed to him.

-She did?

Well, who was she?

-Me.

[ Laughter ] -[ Crying ] -Oh, I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I just can't help it.

-Eh?

-I said I just can't help it!

Oh, if only I'd have told him how I really feel.

-How's that?

-I'm crazy about him.

-Eh?

-I said I'm crazy about him!

Oh, this is tragic.

I've ruined my life.

I've ruined his life!

I've ruined everything!

-Oh, things don't look that bad to me!

♪ The night is young ♪ ♪ The skies are clear ♪ ♪ And if you wanna go walking, dear ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪ It's de-lovely ♪ ♪ I understand the reason why you're sentimental ♪ ♪ 'Cause so am I ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪ It's de-lovely ♪ ♪ You can tell at a glance ♪ ♪ What a swell night this is for romance ♪ ♪ You can hear, dear, Mother Nature murmuring low ♪ ♪ Let yourself go ♪ ♪ So, please be sweet, my chickadee ♪ ♪ And when I kiss ya, just say to me ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪ It's delectable, it's delirious ♪ ♪ It's dilemma, it's delimit ♪ ♪ It's deluxe, it's de-lovely ♪ -♪ I feel a sudden urge to sing ♪ ♪ The kind of ditty that invokes the spring ♪ ♪ So, control your desire to curse ♪ ♪ While I crucify the verse ♪ -♪ This verse you've started seems to me ♪ ♪ The tinpantithesis of melody ♪ ♪ So spare me, please, the pain ♪ ♪ Just skip the damn thing and sing the refrain ♪ -♪ Mi, mi, mi, mi ♪ ♪ Re, re, re, re ♪ ♪ Do, sol, mi, do, la, si ♪ ♪ The night is young, the skies are clear ♪ ♪ And if you want to go walking, dear ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪ It's de-lovely ♪ ♪ I understand the reason why you're sentimental ♪ ♪ 'Cause so am I ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪ It's de-lovely ♪ ♪ You can tell at a glance ♪ ♪ What a swell night this is for romance ♪ ♪ You can hear, dear, Mother Nature murmuring low ♪ -♪ Let yourself go ♪ ♪ So, please be sweet, my chickadee ♪ ♪ And when I kiss ya, just say to me ♪ -♪ It's divine, dear ♪ -♪ It's diveen, dear ♪ -♪ It's de-wunderbar ♪ -♪ It's de-victory ♪ -♪ It's de vallop, it's de winner, it's de voiks ♪ ♪ It's de-lovely!

♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ So, please be sweet, my chickadee ♪ ♪ And when I kiss you, just say to me ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ It's de-lovely ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Hope!

Oh, Hope!

-My God, Mother!

-Oh, Hope!

There you are!

Cable from Claridge's!

Do we want cognac or Cointreau in the wedding cake?

-The wedding cake?

-Of course.

I'll have to find out what the groom wants.

-Well, cognac, Cointreau -- whatever makes you happy, Mom.

[ Chuckles ] -"Mom"?!

-Billy, stop it.

-No, you're right, you're right.

No more kidding around.

Uh, Mrs. Harcourt, Hope has something she needs to tell you.

Honey, you're on.

-"Honey"?

Hope, what's this all about?

-Go on, tell her, baby.

The world won't end.

-I can't.

-Alright, I'll tell her.

-No!

-Look, Hope, I understand how hard this is for you, but you have to choose.

-I say!

Anyone have hot pants for a game of shuffleboard?

-Captain, it's him!

-Well, don't just stand there!

[ All clamoring ] -We've got him, ladies and gentlemen.

No cause for alarm.

[ Crowd murmuring, shouting ] Ladies and gentlemen!

The man we've just arrested is Snake Eyes Johnson!

Public enemy number one.

-Oooh!

-Oooh!

-Take him away, men.

-Aww!

-Aww!

-You idiot!

Release that man!

-Yay!

-Yay!

-But I thought you wanted him clapped in irons!

-Clapped in irons?!

A celebrity like Snake Eyes Johnson?

[ Laughter ] -Let me get this straight.

If I'm just a stowaway, you throw me in jail, but if I'm a famous murderer, you roll out the red carpet?

-You'll be my guest of honor at the Captain's table.

-Hang on, hang on!

He's not the only famous gangster on this ship.

-What do you mean, Doctor?

-I mean I'm not really a minister, you know, I'm, uh -- ha-ha, yeah.

I'm Moonface Martin.

Ba-boom.

[ Laughter ] Yeah, I'm a public enemy, too.

-Public enemy number two?!

-Um, yeah.

-Moon?!

-Shut it, Erma.

-Well, ladies and gentlemen!

It appears that we have not one, but two famous criminals on board!

-Let's make them feel at home!

[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, Mr. Johnson, can I have your autograph?

-Can I touch your trigger finger?

-Did you ever kill anyone who looks like me?

-Hey, baby, room for one more!

-Oh, what fun!

Go on, darling.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the honorary Captain of the SS American!

Hip hip!

-Hooray!

-Hip hip!

-Hooray!

-Hip hip!

-Hooray!

♪♪ -♪ Times have changed ♪ ♪ And we've often rewound the clock ♪ ♪ Since the Puritans got a shock ♪ ♪ When they landed on Plymouth Rock ♪ ♪ If today ♪ ♪ Any shock they should try to stem ♪ ♪ 'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock ♪ ♪ Plymouth Rock would land on them ♪ ♪ In olden days, a glimpse of stocking ♪ ♪ Was looked on as something shocking ♪ ♪ But now God knows ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ Good authors, too, who once knew better words ♪ ♪ Now only use four-letter words writing prose ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ The world has gone mad today and good's bad today ♪ ♪ And black's white today and day's night today ♪ ♪ When most guys today that women prize today ♪ ♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪ ♪ And though I'm not a great romancer ♪ ♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -[ Scatting ] -Aw!

Come on!

-Come on!

-Boom!

Boom!

Pow!

Bang!

♪♪ -Ha!

♪♪ -Oh!

-[ Laughs ] ♪♪ -♪ When Grandmama whose age is eighty ♪ ♪ In nightclubs is getting matey with gigolos ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ When mothers pack and leave poor father ♪ ♪ Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ If driving fast cars you like ♪ ♪ If low bars you like ♪ ♪ If old hymns you like ♪ ♪ If bare limbs you like ♪ ♪ If Mae West you like ♪ ♪ Or me undressed you like ♪ ♪ Why, nobody will oppose ♪ ♪ When every night, the set that's smart is intruding ♪ ♪ In nudist parties in studios ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ Ooh!

I like it!

♪♪ ♪♪ -Attention!

♪♪ ♪♪ -Hey!

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Huh!

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Whoa!

-Here we go!

-Here we go, Reno.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ The world has gone mad today and good's bad today ♪ ♪ And black's white today and day's night today ♪ ♪ When most guys today that women prize today ♪ ♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪ -♪ They think he's gangster number one ♪ ♪ So they've made him their favorite son ♪ ♪ And that goes to show ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ If saying your prayers you like ♪ ♪ If green pears you like ♪ ♪ If old chairs you like ♪ ♪ If back stairs you like ♪ ♪ If love affairs you like ♪ ♪ With young bears you like ♪ ♪ Why, nobody will oppose ♪ -♪ And though I'm not a great romancer ♪ ♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ Anything, anything, anything ♪ -♪ Anything goes!

-♪ Goes ♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ] [ "Entr'acte" plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -♪ Tonight there's going to be some fun ♪ -♪ Some fun-o!

Some fun-o!

♪ -♪ For Public Enemy Number One ♪ -♪ Public Enemy Number One-o!

♪ [ Laughter ] -♪ Our gallant captain has told the staff ♪ -♪ The staff-o!

The staff-o!

♪ -♪ It's time for killing the fatted calf ♪ ♪ And I'm throwing a party on behalf of ♪ ♪ Public Enemy Number One ♪ -♪ Public Enemy Number One-o!

♪ ♪♪ ♪ Public Enemy Number One ♪ ♪ Thank thee for everything thou hast done ♪ ♪ Blessings on thee, thou noble chap ♪ ♪ For putting this boat of ours on the map ♪ ♪ Thank thee heartily, holy man ♪ ♪ For taking this liner American ♪ ♪ For henceforth we'll be crowded on every run ♪ ♪ Due to thee ♪ ♪ Public Enemy Nuuumber One ♪ ♪ Amen ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -You know, you break your back to cheat and steal and kill and you wonder if it's all worth it.

Then something like this happens.

You're beautiful!

-Let's go, girls.

We've got a show to do.

So how do you like the royal treatment, Snake Eyes?

-Nice!

[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] -Listen, kid, I just saw Hope.

She's all broken up.

-Aw.

[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] -Oh, a tough guy, huh?

Well suppose I told ya she wants to marry you?

-You're kidding me.

She said that?

-No.

[ Mimics laugh ] [ Laughter ] Come on, Billy.

You know she's nuts about you.

She wants to marry you.

She just doesn't have the guts to say so.

-Ladies and gentlemen!

Miss Sweeney's service is about to begin.

Last call for drinks before the service.

-Hey, showtime, toots!

-Uh, I would appreciate if you would cease addressing me as "toots" and henceforth call me by my right name -- Mrs. Moonface Martin.

-Yeah.

-Mm!

Rawr!

-Rawr!

-[ Growls ] -Rawr!

Rrrrrr-awr!

Rawr.

-Let me guess -- you performed the ceremony yourself?

-Oh, God, it's not legal, is it?

[ Laughter ] -Miss Sweeney's service will do you good, Eli.

You need to reform your ways.

-What's the matter with my ways?

-You proposed to a sailor.

-I'm a lonely man, Evangeline.

-Hey, Dudley.

Get a load of this.

-My dear, may I say you look like a million bucks?

-Thanks, fellas.

I'm touched.

Whoo!

That's an expression.

-Evelyn, I really don't feel up to this.

I want to go back to my cabin.

-Don't be silly, darling.

Look, it's Snake Ears!

-Evelyn, no.

-I say, Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson.

Who am I?

You dirty rat!

You dirty rat!

-Noel Coward.

-Oh, damn.

-Evelyn, stop it.

-Hey, you wanna make her happy, pal?

Do an imitation of me.

-[ Laughs ] -You can be very cruel.

-Well, that's how he got to be number one.

-Hope, wait.

Come on.

[ Drum roll plays ] -And now, ladies and gentlemen, the SS American is pleased to present the world's most sensuous sermonizer, her high-stepping holiness, Miss Reno Sweeney!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Wolf-whistles ] -Hush!

Brothers and sisters, we are here tonight to fight the devil.

There's only one way to fight the devil, and that's in the open.

I want each of you to turn to his neighbor and say, "Bless you, brother.

Bless you, sister."

-Bless you, brother.

Bless you, sister.

-There's only one way to send the devil packing, and that's to confess your sins.

Who will be the first to speak out and say, "I'm a sinner"?

-I'm a sinner!

-Hallelujah!

-Thank you, sister!

Who's next?

-I'm a sinner!

-Hallelujah!

-Who's next?

-Go ahead, Eli.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, well, um... there was a time when I drank.

-Yeah, what time was that?

Half an hour ago?

-Hallelujah!

-I'm cursed with sex appeal!

It's been my downfall.

-She's not confessing, she's advertising.

-Hallelujah!

-Come on, get busy.

Who will give us a real confession?

-Um, I say, may -- may I have a go?

-Speak up brother.

I wanna hear this.

-Um, while I was visiting Singapore some time ago, there was a girl named Plum Blossom of whom I became extremely fond.

Eventually we made a bit of unpremeditated whoopee in the willows.

And I enjoyed it very much.

[ Exhales ] [ Laughter and applause ] -I was worried about you, brother, but I feel much better now.

-Hallelujah!

[ Horn plays ] -Do you hear that playing?

-Yes, I hear that playing.

-Do you know who's playing?

-No, who is that playing?

-♪ Why, it's Gabriel, Gabriel playing ♪ ♪ Gabriel, Gabriel saying ♪ ♪ "Will you be ready to go when I blow my horn?"

♪ ♪ Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp ♪ ♪ But now I'm willing to trim my lamp ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Oh, I was low, Gabriel, low ♪ ♪ Mighty low, Gabriel, low ♪ ♪ But now since I have seen the light ♪ ♪ I'm good by day and I'm good by night ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Once I was headed for hell ♪ -♪ Headed for hell ♪ -♪ Once I was headed for hell ♪ -♪ Headed for hell ♪ -♪ But when I got to Satan's door ♪ ♪ I heard you blowing on your horn once more ♪ ♪ So I said, "Satan, farewell!"

♪ -♪ Farewell ♪ -♪ And now I'm all ready to fly ♪ ♪ Yes, to fly higher and higher ♪ ♪ 'Cause I've gone through brimstone ♪ ♪ And I've been through the fire ♪ -♪ And I've purged my soul and my heart, too ♪ ♪ So climb up the mountain top and start to ♪ ♪ Blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ -♪ Blow, Gabriel blow ♪ -♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ -♪ Blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ -♪ I want to join your happy band ♪ ♪ And play all day in the promised land ♪ ♪ So, blow, Gabriel, blooooow ♪ [ Trumpet riff plays ] ♪♪ [ Audience gasping ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Drum beat plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Come on you, scamps.

Get up, you sinners.

You're all too full of expensive dinners.

Stand up on your lazy feet and sing!

-♪ Come on and blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp ♪ ♪ But now I'm willing to trim my lamp ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ I was low, Gabriel, low ♪ ♪ Mighty low, Gabriel, low ♪ ♪ But now since I have seen the light ♪ ♪ I'm good by day and I'm good by night ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow!

♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ Once I was headed for hell ♪ ♪ Once I was headed for hell ♪ ♪ But when I got to Satan's door ♪ -♪ I heard you blowing on your horn once more ♪ ♪ So I said, "Satan, farewell!"

♪ -♪ And now I'm all ready to fly ♪ ♪ Yes, to fly higher and higher ♪ ♪ 'Cause I've gone through brimstone ♪ ♪ And I've been through the fire ♪ -♪ And I've purged my soul and my heart, too ♪ ♪ So climb up the mountain top and start to ♪ ♪ Blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Gabriel, blow, blow, blow, blow that horn ♪ ♪ Blow, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Blow that horn, Gabriel, blow ♪ ♪ Blow that horn, blow that horn ♪ ♪ Can you hear that playin?

♪ ♪ Do you know who's playing?

♪ ♪ Gabriel, Gabriel's saying ♪ ♪ "Will you be ready when I blow that horn?"

♪ ♪ Now I've seen the light and I'm gone by night ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow!

♪ ♪♪ ♪ Come on and blow, blow that horn ♪ ♪ Blow, blow that horn ♪ ♪ Blow, blow that horn, Gabriel ♪ ♪ Blow that, blow that, blow that horn ♪ -♪ Come on and join your happy band ♪ ♪ And play all day in the promised land ♪ ♪ So blow, Gabrieeeeeeeel ♪ ♪ Bloooooooooooooow!

♪ -♪ Blooo-ooo-oooow ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] -Hallelujah, they've seen the light.

[ Cheering ] ♪♪ -Wait a minute!

What about Snake Eyes?

We haven't heard his confession.

-Yeah!

-We want Snake Eyes!

-We want Snake Eyes!

We want Snake Eyes!

-Yeah, alright, alright.

You want a confession?

I'll give you a confession.

-Go ahead!

-Three weeks ago, I met a girl and I... well, I fell in love with her.

How did I show it?

I hounded her.

I embarrassed her.

I made her cry.

I'm sorry, Hope.

I just want you to be happy.

I'll never bother you again.

-What's going on?

-He doesn't sound like Snake Eyes Johnson.

-I'm not.

I'm not a gangster.

I'm just a -- a broken-down broker.

-Then he's a phony!

-I want my money back.

-They ought to give him the chair!

-Purser, clap that man in irons!

-[ Whistles ] -Yeah!

-Get behind me, kid!

We'll shoot our way out!

[ All screaming ] [ Laughter ] There's something definitely wrong here.

[ All shouting ] -Captain.

-Uh, yes, madam?

-Captain, is it true that you have the authority to perform weddings onboard this vessel?

-It is, madam.

-Then I would like you to schedule one for 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

These young people are eager to get married.

And they would like to do so before anything else can go wrong.

-Mother!

-Better make that 9:30.

-As you wish, madam.

[ "Goodbye, Little Dream, Goodbye" plays ] ♪♪ -♪ I first knew love's delight ♪ ♪ When presto out of the blue ♪ ♪ A dream appeared one night ♪ ♪ And whispered, "How do you do?"

♪ ♪ I knew I was tempting fate ♪ ♪ But I took it straight to my heart ♪ ♪ My fears were right ♪ ♪ And now we must part ♪ ♪ Goodbye, little dream, goodbye ♪ ♪ You made my romance sublime ♪ ♪ Now it's time to fly ♪ ♪ For the stars have fled from the heavens ♪ ♪ The moon's deserted the hill ♪ ♪ And the sultry breeze ♪ ♪ That sang in the trees ♪ ♪ Is suddenly strangely still ♪ ♪ It's done, little dream, it's done ♪ ♪ So bid me a fond farewell ♪ ♪ We both had our fun ♪ ♪ Was it Romeo or Juliet ♪ ♪ Who said when about to die ♪ ♪ Love is not all peaches and cream ♪ ♪ Little dream, goodbye ♪ ♪ Little dream, goodbye ♪ ♪♪ [ Applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ -Okay, kid.

Come on, take a card, take a card, any card.

[ Laughter ] Okay, don't worry.

I'll take one for you.

Now look at it.

Okay, don't worry.

I'll look at it for you.

[ Laughter ] Now, don't tell me what it is.

-I don't wanna play cards.

-What d'you wanna do, shoot craps?

-Yeah, I was thinking of shooting myself.

-Hey, come on, kid.

Kid!

-Oh, give me one good reason to live.

-Eh, cherry cheesecake.

-[ Scoffs ] A week ago I was getting fitted for my first Brooks Brothers suit.

Now look where I am.

-Oh, come on.

This place ain't so bad.

Hey, were you ever in jail in Cicero?

And I'm not talking about the new jail, you know?

I'm talking about the old one.

-Moon, please.

My girl's getting married in the morning.

I'm never gonna see her again.

-Hey, you know your problem, Kid?

You got no philosophy.

You know, life's taught me to think more positive.

Like Dillinger once told me, "It's always the darkest before they turn on the lights."

[ Laughter ] You know, there's an old Australian bushsong that Melba used to sing.

A song that always cheered me when I was blue.

Even Melba said this bushsong was a hell of a song to sing ♪ So be quiet whilst I render it for you ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ When your instinct tells you that disaster ♪ ♪ Is approaching you faster and faster ♪ ♪ Then be like the bluebird and sing ♪ ♪ Tweet, tweet ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ When you know you're headed for the jailer ♪ ♪ Don't allow your old face to look paler ♪ ♪ But be like the bluebird and sing ♪ ♪ Tweet, tweet ♪ ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la ♪ [ Bird chirping ] ♪ Be like the bluebird who never is blue ♪ ♪ For he knows from his upbringing ♪ ♪ What singing can do-ooo ♪ [ Bird chirping ] [ Whistles a tune ] [ Bird chirping ] [ Laughter ] ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la-la ♪ [ Bird chirps ] ♪ Tra-la-la, tra-la-la, tra-la-la-la ♪ [ Bird chirps ] ♪ Tra-la, tra-la, tra-la-la ♪ [ Slide whistle plays ] ♪ Tra-la ♪ [ Bird chirps ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Bird chirps ] ♪♪ ♪ Be like the bluebird who never is blue ♪ ♪ For he knows from his upbringing ♪ ♪ What singing can do-ooo ♪ [ Bird chirps and stops abruptly ] ♪ Ooo ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ And though by other birdies in the boughs he ♪ ♪ May be told that his efforts are perfectly lousy ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ He sings on and on ♪ ♪ Till his troubles are through ♪ ♪ Tweet, tweet ♪ Tweet.

[ Grumbling ] Ah.

[ Bird chirping ] ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Boy, what a dump.

-Erma!

-I gotta talk fast.

I got a couple of sailors waiting for me.

They're gonna show me how to grease the hawses.

-What's going on up there?

Have you seen Hope?

-Yeah, and let me tell ya, kiddo, you're well rid of that drip.

All she does is whine and cry and stand around looking like Garbo in "Camille."

-Well, did she say anything about me?

-No.

-[ Sighs ] -But she did send you this note.

Hey, Moonie!

-Hi, Ermie.

-How about give me your passports?

You ain't gonna need 'em where you're going, and I can sell 'em for a bundle.

-Yeah, that's a good idea.

Come here.

I want a little conversation with you.

Come here.

-Ugh!

[ Laughs uncomfortably ] By the way, Moon, the new list of Public Enemies just came out.

You've been passed by tooth decay.

Ah!

[ Laughs ] [ Laughter and applause ] -"Dearest darling, I love you so, but what good does love do when there is no hope?

-Love, Hope.

[ Laughter ] [ "All Through the Night" plays ] ♪♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ ♪ I delight in your love ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ ♪ You're so close to me ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ ♪ From a height far above ♪ ♪ You and your love bring me ecstasy ♪ ♪ When dawn comes to waken me ♪ ♪ You're never there at all ♪ ♪ I know you've forsaken me ♪ ♪ Till the shadows fall ♪ ♪ But then, once again ♪ ♪ I can dream I've the right ♪ ♪ To be close to you ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ -♪ All through the night ♪ ♪ I delight in your love ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ ♪ You're so close to me ♪ ♪ All through the night from a height far above ♪ ♪ You and your love bring me ecstasy ♪ -♪ When dawn's overtaken us ♪ ♪ We'll sadly say good-bye ♪ ♪ Till dreams reawaken us ♪ ♪ And the moon is high ♪ -♪ And then, once again, will I know ♪ ♪ I was right ♪ ♪ Staying close to you ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ -♪ Staying close to you ♪ ♪ All through ♪ ♪ The night ♪ -♪ Through the night ♪ [ Applause ] ♪♪ -"Moonlight," by Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

"A lonely figure walks the deck.

The moonlight glancing off his beano.

'Tis not the ship, 'tis he the wreck.

His heart dashed on a girl named" -- Miss Sweeney!

I say, you startled me.

-Sorry, I couldn't sleep.

-Nor I.

-The Lord works in mysterious ways, Evie, but this time he's got even me stymied.

My two best friends are in the slam, and tomorrow morning... Well, you know all about that.

Here's to the happy groom.

-Oh!

-Make that "here's to the groom."

-Miss Sweeney, you see before you a man staggered by a revelation.

It hit me like a stone hammer in the middle of your service.

The woman I am destined to marry tomorrow is not one and the same with the woman I love.

-You mean you're not in love with Hope?

That's great!

I mean, gee, it's a good thing you found out.

I mean, just in time and everything.

-[ Chuckles ] Ah, there's the rub.

-You know the Oakleigh family motto?

Nostrum fuglium sentorum.

-What's that mean?

-No one really knows.

But we're not supposed to go around backing out of engagements.

Ah, well.

[ Sighs ] Adieu, Miss Sweeney.

-You know, there's just one thing I can't figure.

-That, um... that whoopee in the willows business with Plum Blossom.

How does that fit in with nostrum fuglium whatever?

-Oh, goodness.

This is most embarrassing.

Must I explain?

-It's your motto.

-Miss Sweeney, I've never told this to anyone before.

It's the Oakleigh family secret.

There's something wild and passionate in our souls.

In mine especially.

♪ Long, long ago ♪ ♪ So long ago ♪ ♪ I hardly know when ♪ ♪ My great-great-grandmother ♪ ♪ Now and then stepped out with a Gypsy ♪ ♪ Of course you may say she was ♪ ♪ A little bit tipsy ♪ ♪ But tipsy, no, no ♪ ♪ Of their love, there wasn't a doubt ♪ ♪ So I can't wait to get the stage all set ♪ ♪ So I can let the Gypsy in me out ♪ ♪ Hiding away ♪ ♪ There's a little bit of Gypsy in me ♪ ♪ That's never been found ♪ ♪ Waiting its day ♪ ♪ There's a little bit of Gypsy in me ♪ ♪ Just hanging around ♪ ♪ Till that magical night ♪ ♪ When the stars, by their light ♪ ♪ Bring mystery to the sleeping lagoon ♪ ♪ While the haunting guitar ♪ ♪ Not too near, not too far ♪ ♪ Gaily strums away, hums away ♪ ♪ A titillating tune ♪ ♪ When I'm there in that dream ♪ ♪ With the one in the world I worship passionately ♪ ♪ At the moment supreme ♪ ♪ Will be shown the unknown ♪ ♪ Gypsy in me ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Hey!

-Jesus!

♪♪ ♪♪ -[ Growls softly ] ♪♪ -[ Groans ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Ah ah ♪ -♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ ♪ Ah ah ah ♪ ♪ Ah ah ♪ ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ♪ -[ Growls ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Ah.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] -All right, you two, get in there and behave yourselves!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's going on here?

-They'll only be in for an hour.

They cleaned out third class playing craps.

Some folks are pretty hot about it.

-What about us?

When are we getting out?

-I knew this would happen!

I hope you're satisfied.

-Hey, hey, hey.

You know your problem, kid?

You got no philosophy.

There's an old Australian bush song -- -Would you forget about that?!

-What time is it?

-Half past.

-Half past what?

-I don't know.

I lost the little hand.

-The wedding starts at 9:30!

We got to get out of here!

-Hey, you bums!

-Reno!

-Boys, I've got fabulous news.

The greatest thing that could happen to a person just happened to me.

-You got paroled?

-No, she's in love!

-And what's more, Evelyn is in love with me.

-What?

That's great!

In fact, i-it's perfect!

-Yeah, that's right, 'cause Reno gets to marry Evelyn and Billy gets to marry Hope!

That only leaves one little problem here.

-What's that?

-What's that?

-How do I put this?

Let me out!

-Oh, Reno, we got to think of something.

-Yeah, if only we were them.

-Them?

-Yeah, they get out in an hour.

-Hey, guys, they're a couple of fancy outfits you're wearing there.

-Hey, thanks, old buddy.

I have to say, I like the look of your duds, too.

-Yeah?

You wouldn't fancy a little swap?

-[ Laughs ] Clothes make the man.

-Yeah!

[ Conversing indistinctly ] ♪♪ -Yeah.

-Now what?

-[ Jingling keys ] Guys, I... -Aw, come on.

[ Indistinct conversation ] ♪♪ -[ Groans ] -[ Panting ] -[ Gasps ] -Erma, you're beautiful.

-And talented.

-Make an honest man of me, Erma?

Marry me.

-No!

Marry me!

-Hey, buddy, get in line!

[ All shouting ] -Hey, fellas!

Getting married's for the birds.

Who needs it?

-We do!

-We do!

-Yeah?

♪♪ ♪ Buddy, beware ♪ ♪ Buddy, better take care ♪ ♪ Though at heart I'm a pearl ♪ ♪ I'm a difficult girl ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ ♪ When I go to a show ♪ ♪ I prefer the first row ♪ ♪ When invited to dine ♪ ♪ I can't eat without wine ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ ♪ During Christmas holidays ♪ ♪ I develop taking ways ♪ ♪ And I'm not at all anti ♪ ♪ Pretty things Santy brings from Cartier's ♪ ♪ Your devotion I prize ♪ ♪ But you must realize, my boy ♪ ♪ Other girls' luxuries ♪ ♪ Are my necessities ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ Oh!

Excuse me, over here.

So... [ Speaks indistinctly ] ♪ I must warn you that I'm ♪ ♪ Simply never on time ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ [ Speaking indistinctly ] [ Laughs ] Oh, whoops!

Going down!

Thanks.

♪ Somehow I don't feel nice ♪ ♪ When I wear a dress twice ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ Oh!

Kick!

Ooh!

[ Laughs ] Whoo!

♪♪ Yah!

♪♪ I see London, I see France, I've seen you all without your underpants.

Oh, my!

[ All raspberry ] Ooh!

Ah!

Oh!

[ Speaking indistinctly ] ♪♪ -Uh, uh!

♪ Buddy, beware ♪ -♪ Wah, da, da, da, da ♪ -♪ Buddy, better take care ♪ -♪ Wah, da, da, da, da ♪ -♪ Since the day I was weaned, I'm a caviar fiend ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware ♪ ♪ I feel I should put you right ♪ ♪ As I lie in bed at night ♪ ♪ While the twinkling stars gleam on ♪ ♪ With my cold cream on ♪ ♪ I'm a lovely sight ♪ ♪♪ ♪ And another thing, too ♪ ♪ When I'm married to you, my sweet ♪ Oh... ♪ If to come home you fail ♪ ♪ I'll open all your mail ♪ ♪ So, buddy, beware!

♪ Whoo-wee!

[ Laughs ] Whoo!

Whoo!

[ Laughs ] Oh!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Ah, thank you.

Thank you.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together over the bodies... Oh.

[ Grunts ] We are assembled here to join together in the bonds of holy matrimony this young man and -- -Cease and desist!

-Cease and desist!

-Cease and desist!

-Cease and desist!

-Good Lord, what is this?

-My colleague and I are barristers from the firm of Treacle, Treacle, and Custard.

We've offices in New York, London, and Singapore.

We demanded a hearing on behalf of our distinguished clients.

-Distinguished clients?

-Permit me to explain.

My clients have just completed an extensive peregrination in order to confer most urgently with this English gentleman.

It appears we have arrived in, as it were, the nick of time!

-I'm afraid, if you've come in reference to my Hong Kong interests, you've chosen a bad moment.

I'm about to be married.

-Uh, the marriage is impossible.

-Impossible?!

What on earth do you mean?!

-Allow me to introduce the mortified father of little Plum Blossom.

-And who is little Plum Blossom?

-Yes, who is little Plum Blossom?

-Uh, this is little Plum Blossom.

♪♪ ♪♪ -I'm not sure I follow this.

-Lord Evelyn took Plum Blossom to Willow Grove, returned with a plum tart.

-Dear me, is this really true?

-I'm afraid so.

-Evelyn!

Is this woman really Plum Tart Blossom?

-I-I can't really say.

It all happened so long ago-- Oh, good Lord!

[ Chuckles ] Apologies to one and all, but under the circ*mstances, I don't see how I can possible marry Miss Harcourt.

-Don't be ridiculous.

All these people want is money.

I'll give ya $1,000 to clear out.

-Yeah, we'll take it.

-No!

-Do not insult our clients with an offer of filthy money!

-I'll make it $2,000.

-You cannot buy their honor.

-I'll make it $5,000.

-Yeah, yeah, honor sold.

-No, Mr. Whitney don't pay him!

No amount of money can undo this great wrong!

You, sir, you are related to little Plum Blossom?

-Like an O'Neil drama to Whistler's Mama.

-Then the only way to repay this debt of honor, Evelyn, is for you to offer him me!

-Hope, no!

-Oh, I say, what a marvellous idea!

-Huh?

Offer accepted!

-Congratulations, old boy.

You're getting quite a girl.

-Yeah, what about the five grand?

-Say, why does the English gentlemen not join the club and right the wrong done to poor Plum Blossom, huh?

-Right the wrong done to poor Plum Bl-- Oh, I say!

[ Laughs ] Well, confound it, why not?

Now, look here...Plum Blossom... will you marry me?

-Oh, sweetie, I thought you'd never ask!

-[ Laughs ] -[ Sobs ] -Why, mother, what's the matter?

-What's the matter?

We're poor again!

I shall have to spend the rest of my life living in hotels!

-Like hell you will!

Marry me, Evangeline!

Say yes and spend the rest of your life in the lap of luxury.

Why, after that Amalgamated deal, I'm so damn rich I could buy this tub and turn it into a private yacht for you.

-Eli!

My saviour!

My knight in shining armor!

-Uh, Mr. Whitney?

-Uh...Oh, thank you... Crocker.

-Yes, sir.

-Crocker?!

How the hell did you get on board?

-I have a confession to make.

I never made it to the Stock Exchange.

I-I stowed away aboard this ship.

I never sold those Amalgamated shares.

-You never sold the shares?

You never sold the shares?!

[ Gasping ] That means -- That means I'm ruined!

Ruined!

[ Sobbing ] Ohh!

-Oh, I-I'm sorry, boss.

-Oh, well, at least I have someone to comfort me in my misfortune.

-Well... -Mr. Whitney?

Mr. Whitney?

Urgent cable from New York, sir.

Amalgamated just went through the roof.

You're a zillionaire!

-Eli!

[ Laughs ] -How do you do it, boss?

-How?

Brains, guts, and the world's finest education.

Bulldog, bulldog, bow-wow-wow.

♪ Eli Yale ♪ -Speaking of dogs... does this belong to anyone?

-Cheeky!

-[ Barks ] -[ Laughing ] Oh!

Where have you been?

-We found him in the swimming pool.

-And what was he doing in the swimming pool?

-The dog paddle.

-All right, Captain.

Let's get on with it, you got some weddings to perform here!

-Yeah, come on, Cap.

I've been waiting all my life to be a lady.

-Yeah, step in it!

-Wha!

-♪ We settle down as man and wife ♪ ♪ To solve the riddle called married life ♪ -♪ It's delightful ♪ -♪ It's delicious ♪ -♪ It's de-lovely ♪ -♪ It feels so fine to be a bride ♪ ♪ And how's the groom?

♪ -♪ Why he's slightly fried ♪ ♪ It's delightful ♪ -♪ It's delicious ♪ -♪ It's de-lovely ♪ -♪ To the pop of champagne ♪ ♪ Off we hop in our plush little plane ♪ -♪ Till a bright light through the darkness cozily calls ♪ -♪ Niagara Falls ♪ -♪ All's well, my love, our day's complete ♪ ♪ And what a beautiful bridal suite ♪ -♪ It's delightful ♪ -♪ It's delicious ♪ -♪ It's delectable ♪ -♪ It's delirious ♪ ♪ It's dilemma, it's delimit ♪ -♪ It's deluxe, it's de-lovely ♪ -♪ All is right as can be ♪ ♪ Till one night at your window you see ♪ ♪ An absurd bird with a bundle hung from his nose ♪ ♪ Get baby clothes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ And though I'm not a great romancer ♪ ♪ I know that you're bound to answer ♪ ♪ When I propose ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ Anything, anything, anything goes ♪ ♪ Goes ♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Rhythmic clapping ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Rhythmic clapping continues ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -To find out more, visit... Find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

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